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Rainestormyr

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04:31 am: Oh man. Faith, hold fast.
It's happening again... I'm going to lose friends again because of the mess I'm in. Not because they're not true, but because they probably will never understand the depth to which I have gone and will go again. Can't understand why I can't go right now - which cannot be expressed in words, and was not at all said despite an hour's conversation. I have no words to say the things I want to say, nothing that can undo the damage wrought with a few SMSes and a couple of MSNs. I don't know if a couple of friends will hold up under this kind of weight, after seeing what really makes up the Storm in my name. And why I have always seen things in terms of riding out storms, letting the sound and light and fury spend itself against my wings. 

It's horrible because I don't even know how to begin apologising for the darkness that should never have come into their lives, but has done so because of me. The darkness that I have lived with on, and off, and continue to fight every single day.

I'll get through this I know, move on the way I need to. For this, truly I will need help, but I'll only accept it from the strongest of souls. Anything less would have scars and get hurt, and I want nobody hurt for this. I hope I have the time I need in order to make things right.

In a way, I don't know whether to laugh or cry, because it is so simplistic, the way that some people see things. Almost black and white, with a clarity I have not enjoyed for years. The grey swathes me, all the shades of shadow, and this is what made me withdraw in the first place. Because there are too many people who are not willing to see the darkness that exists in this world, too quick to deny that it will come and strike and strike again. And no way to understand why it must be, that there are others who must stand against it with all they have, fight it hard despite cynicism and hatred barring the way.

I admit I'm not that strong, no matter what I say. And yet, I have enough to stay my path, and the support of others. So often I feel like I walk alone, and yet, it's not true. At every turn I find friends anew who make the difference between life and death. There's hope buried here, deep inside my heart, that things will get better because they do. And the knowledge that everything in my life, good and bad, happens for a reason. It makes me always stronger and a better person in the end. It's so hard to explain this to others, each time I try, I come away knowing that I have failed to express it correctly, for some strange reason. Then I have to mask it afterwards with a laugh and smile, and help others feel that things are all right in the world, when my soul is crying inside. But I ask for it, don't I, at some level? I choose it, therefore I ask for it, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. 

So should I be left alone to suffer then, because I have chosen it? There would be those who think so, and therefore ignore or walk away. And others who think not, who will make the effort for me. I pray I will never be left out in the cold, that there will always be others who are strong enough to hold up others and help them along. In the end, we form a long chain of support that goes towards making the world a better place. Some do it on a larger scale, mine is quite miniscule. Yet it works, like the starfish story - the difference is made, if only to a few.

Flame will cleanse the soul anew, sear it into whiteness and void. Will you choose to be a carrot, egg or coffee bean?

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